How Were You Raised? The 4 Types of Parenting Styles
| May 26, 2012 | Posted by admin under Human Behavior, Mind, Personality |
We like to think of ourselves as being in control of our identities. But the simple fact is that there are so many things going into “I” that oftentimes we can’t control for them. Sometimes we barely know how much they are affecting us, if at all.
Take parenting. Your parents and the home environment are all you know during your most vulnerable and impressionable stages in life. When you’re a baby sucking on your thumb to when you’re a teenager getting caught cheating on a test, your parents are there reacting– in a certain way– to everything you do.
It can’t matter that much, right? It was so long ago… right?
Wrong.
The way you were raised as a child can have an impact on the rest of your life. It changes your view of the world and most importantly, how you go about solving everyday life problems.
Psychologists have been able to identify 4 major types of parenting styles. After learning about them, I’ve found it becomes painfully obvious when someone fits a certain mold. But it’s interesting. Very interesting. Take a look for yourself. And if you’re brave enough, take a look at yourself.
1. Authoritative Parenting
Parent’s Motto: “The world is constantly changing and one day I won’t be there to tell you what to do– so you need to figure it out for yourself.”
Child’s Motto: “I did my best and had the right intentions, I have no regrets.”
I suppose I should go about this the politically correct way and say, “No, there is no one right way to parent your kids.” … But that wouldn’t be very honest now would it?
Of the 4 parenting styles, authoritative parenting is the best and results in the most emotionally stable children. Children who have been raised with authoritative parents learn to think for themselves and how to make the best decisions based on morality and sound judgement.
What makes authoritative parents different from the others? They’ve found balance.
Authoritative parents have rules and regulations, and they expect their kids to follow them. BUT at the same time they also listen to their children. Authoritative parents are the ones who would say the punishment should fit the crime. If the kid was put in detention for laughing in class, for example, the parents would punish him way less than if he was put in detention for getting into a fight. Likewise, if the kid had an excuse for getting into a fight, like the other boy was threatening a friend, then the parents would listen to him, see his point of view, and lessen the punishment accordingly.
By listening to their children, authoritative parents end up teaching them judgement. Authoritative parents earn their children’s respect and teach them how to best deal with problems and handle different situations.
2. Authoritarian Parenting
Parent’s Motto: “Because I said so.”
Child’s Motto: “My goal in life is to be happy.”
Like authoriTATIVE parents, authoriTARIAN (they’re really similar-sounding) parents have rules and regulations that children must follow. Unlike authoritative parents, however, authoritarian parents could give a rat’s ass about their child’s opinion or what they have to say. Rules are rules for a reason, and they’re going to be followed no matter what.
You’ll see these parents every so often and say, “Wow, I feel bad for that kid,” as they blow their heads off screaming about small things like spilled candy on the floor. It’s not hard to imagine how all the punishments can affect them later on. Children need to be taught how to react to situations and deal with problems. When authoritarian parents punish their kids, they don’t explain to the kid why what they did was wrong, so they never earn their respect or learn how to regulate themselves without the parent’s help.
Authoritarian parenting will either produce children that are overly obedient and proficient, or on the flip end, children that refuse to acknowledge authority and maybe even become delinquent. In the second case, parents make their children the opposite of what they intend: In wanting their children to succeed, they push them too hard and impose too many limitations on them, making the children less likely to succeed. Oh, the splendid splendid irony.
Either way, authoritarian parenting has been shown to produce children less happy and with lower self esteem than their peers.
3. Permissive Parenting
Parent’s Motto: “Treat your children as your friends.”
Child’s Motto:“Authority? What’s that?”
She was a bad egg.
The permissive parent thinks that their child is wonderful and deserves to be treated with all the love and respect in the world. They have very few rules and any rules that they DO have are not enforced properly. They treat their children as their friends and will cater to them unconditionally.
What you come out with is a child that has no discipline, no sense of right and wrong, and spoiled as all hell. When these children grow up, they’re never taught what is right and what is wrong, so they keep their “I deserve everything I want attitude” as they mature. They have simply never had to regulate themselves before, and although children can grow up and learn these things on their own, it’s not very likely.
One study found that children with permissive parents were more than three times as likely to experience drinking problems when they got to college (authoritarian parenting- 2x as likely, authoritative parenting- least likely). These children are less likely to do well academically, and they may also become reserved due to not knowing how to act around others.
4. Dismissive Parenting
Parent’s Motto: “…”
Child’s Motto: “I don’t understand what’s happening…”
Dismissive parents are much more rare than the other three types of parents. They are also by far the most harmful. Often, these parents act this way as a result of some sort of outlying problem, whether it be a death in the family, substance abuse, or a mental health problem.
Dismissive parents are completely unresponsive to their children. They show no warmth, no guidance, and are usually preoccupied or absorbed in their own troubles, leaving the child to fend for himself emotionally. The parent usually provides the child with basic necessities, like food, clothing, etc, but besides that there’s not much else there.
The results on the children are heart breaking. The child either grows up too quickly, needing to take care of himself since the parent isn’t present, or not at all, remaining immature and helpless. They often have behavioral issues in school, do worse academically, and remain socially and emotionally isolated.
When they grow up, they are more likely to have severe behavioral and mental problems. Their want of personal relationships makes them easily manipulated by others.
Carrying on the Tradition
So… what kind of parent will you be? Studies show that people tend to carry on the same type of parental style as they were raised with themselves. Children raised with the authoritarian parenting style will raise their own children with an authoritarian style, and so on.
…Does it have to be this way?
No. Knowledge is power. The first step to changing how you treat your children in the future is to understand the different types of parenting. And if you’re unhappy with how you were treated as a child, try to understand what an authoritative parent would say in the same situation, and change yourself accordingly.
It’s all up to you.
How can you boil parenting down to 4 types? Its far more complicated.
Agreed, parenting is extremely complicated.
There are obviously variations, not every parent is going to fit into exactly one of these categories. Some parents may be a mix of two or three, and it’s possible (even likely) that parents will change their parenting styles over time.
But yes, in the field of developmental psychology, psychologists recognize and study 4 main parenting styles. Look it up.
[...] 2 Comments [...]
One of my favorite parenting books is “How much is enough?” which looks at different ways in which kids may have too much of something- too many material possessions, but also too many rules, too much control over their house, what kind of adult comes from a child who never has supervision. It was fascinating! And as far as I could tell about 100% accurate!
Thanks for the article, it’s nice to know people who study outcomes agree with *me*- that parenting styles matter and not with my mum-in-law who says, it’s 99% nature. Parents don’t matter.
My parents (who divorced when I was eight), seem to blend of all four.
Mother always taught me to be self-reliant, while also screaming her head off at every normal “kid” offense, like the time I accidentally swore. (Even if she swore at me on occasion). Then, she’d complain that I was withdrawn and asocial, acting as if I need to be “cured”. So she’d get angry at me for not committing the sort of normal “offenses” SHE wanted me to have, I guess?
For instance: when I was in the late elementary school age, I had a friend who was pretty nice to me, considering how disliked and strange I was. Her circle of friends was less forgiving, but I could ignore the taunting.
Now mom forbade me from watching R-rated movies. I was eleven. What did I need with that? So, when it came time for me to go to a sleepover, when they pulled out an R-rated movie, I obediently went to the front room and played Tetris. The next day, when mom picked me up, I proudly told her about my moral choice (sitcoms taught me that parents LOVED it when kids did the right thing), and she blasted me for it. Told me “this is why you don’t have FRIENDS!” and basically made me feel awful.
She still doesn’t believe in mental disorders, half of medical problems, and the idea of resting when you’re sick.
After the split, she would come home every night, order a pizza, and crash on the sofa, with the television on one station. If I went to change the channel, she would snarl, even if she was facing the other way. She kept the house filthy, but would ride my case if I didn’t clean my room.
She loved to spar with me, antagonize me and threaten me, without taking action. I had to hear wonderful lines such as, “You don’t DESERVE to apologize for anything.” or “You have nothing to offer a man.”
She would go without food and new clothing, choosing to eschew any government aid. Noble, except when she started harping loudly about all of her sacrifices. It sort of loses its charm if you point out how pathetic you are.
I could go on, but you get the idea. She clearly loves me, but she always felt the best way to make me live right was to badger me…even if she didn’t really do much in terms of showing authority. So I was verbally assaulted, but not made to do anything. Too caught up in her own miseries.
Dad, well…dad really wasn’t there, much. He was less harsh, but even he would flay me. He didn’t tell me about his second wife until I was a grown woman. Could have kept me over the weekends, but would come one day, for a few hours, if that. Sometimes, he wouldn’t show at all, and I’d sit by the window, waiting and crying. Then mom would start in on how horrible he was. And when I was with him, I’d hear about how horrible SHE was.
And the rest of my family treated me like garbage. Grandma was overprotective and spoiling. My aunts, uncles, and cousins picked on me and would perform dime-store analysis/criticism on my behavior.
The result? An extremely introverted, but function human being. Fairly happily married to a “middle child”. Both nerds. We’ve chosen to not have children. Can’t imagine why!
My mother is a permissive parent and my father is a dismissive parent. I have lived with my mother since I was 6 years old. This has certainly effected me.
Growing up my mother was there but absent and remote where I was concerned.My father was the one who dealt out the punishments.The words wait until your father gets home were the words I feared most.There were no hugs no praise from either parent if I had done well at school.I am not in my late 60′s and live alone and shun relationships.Did they harm me I would say yes, but I am a strong woman able to shut out the harmful things they did to me.
I consciously chose to change how i parent my children compared to how i was parented, with great results – three great, well behaved boys who talk to me about lots of things. How you are parented is not a life sentence. I went to counselling many times and broke the cycle. You can too.
Very interesting, especially knowing certain cousins haha and btw
“they may also become reserved do to not knowing how to act around others.”
supposed to be due, but doesn’t really matter. Well written interesting article.